sitting here leaning on the door
i feel closer to its wood than to any person around me
they all come and go
they walk past me like sliding doors
meaningless
mechanical
inside i'm happy, outside too
but what is that looming cloud?
it's a battle, a reddish blue war
the cold marble floor beneath me
is nothing but a platform that
keeps me balanced and still
i feel my head going round in circles
with feelings of different origins
pulling me into different directions
swinging me from tree to tree
loving, hurting, wanting, hiding
can you feel it?
does it vibrate?
or is it just me shaking?

i cling to you, i hold you to feel
what you are
you're all sorts of colors to me
you're red and blue
you're yellow and green
you're black and white
you're fiery and serene
you're bored and fresh
you're sad and happy

you're my rainbow
always the bright side of it
reminding me that there's me, there's you and there's us

wet tissues, black mascara
i have become one with my tears
they glide down my face so slowly
hating to part with it
i hold them back
i press
they win
but i'm happy
i like the way they caress my cheeks
the way they find their own way away from my lips
the way they dry up my lids
and leave me with blurred vision
i don't want to see what is out there
i don't want to see the fear
to know where it is
and watch it eat my senses
can you feel it?
does it vibrate?
or is it just me shaking?

i call it different names and it still haunts me
tossing and turning, hugging the chilled air
it escapes me, only to find me
at the door of my dreams
waiting there like a straight guard
happy to guard
sad to part
it seeps into me undisguised
i hate its confidence
i hate its potence
the bright light wakes me up
pulls me back
tugs at my eyelids
and showers me with pain
it's there, in front of my eyes, i see it
maybe i haunt it too
i can feel it
it vibrates
we shake together.